Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
