i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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