I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
