i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
