Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Apparently you make a good broom.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Omg I joined a choir last night...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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