How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
