I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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