you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
