Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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