wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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