My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
