I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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