Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
