I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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