I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
