I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
