hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
