peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
well you can't waste a boner
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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