The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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