she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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