when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
