My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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