If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Randomize
