so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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