my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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