I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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