dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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