my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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