know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
