I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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