dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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