You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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