I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
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I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
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I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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