I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
