after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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