Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
