OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
