I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
