so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
