I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
