my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
