lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
