Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
