I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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