my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
