god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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