Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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