just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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