If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
