I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
