worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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