In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
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You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
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woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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