I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
