Will you blow on my dice?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
