apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
