Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize
