I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
