Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
