Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
