Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
